A Fool’s Choice

I used the word bum today in class. I meant to use the term homeless person but instead “bum” came out of my mouth. It happened so innocently. I was using the term to describe an experiment I had heard about several years ago. In the experiment, psychology students dressed as the homeless and stood on highway exits begging for money. On average, the more attractive students received more money.

Where am I going with this?

Guilt.

You can chalk it up to the political-correctness that has been inculcated in my brain. I felt tremendously guilty for saying this word; so much so that I felt like I wanted to drop the class.

I came home and looked the word up in the dictionary immediately, and to my amazement there was actually a definition that was positive; albeit one that I wasn’t using. You know the idioms: ski bum, poker bum; a person who devotes a great deal of time to a specific activity.

The not-so-positive definition is vagrant, defined as a lazy or worthless person. It’s also defined as a person without a settled home or regular work who wanders from place to place and lives by begging. This all comes to me via the Oxford American Dictionary.

I drew comfort from the more accurate definition of vagrant, not the one that fell under the definition of bum.  Nevertheless, this guilt still pervades my thinking. I’m sure I feel guilty because I’m worried over what others may think. I can say to myself that this doesn’t matter. “I don’t care what others think.” But it doesn’t keep me from believing I said an inappropriate word.

We all say things that we don’t mean, or that we wish we hadn’t said. The word bum falls under the latter category for me. I guess I need to draw from some wisdom, some sense of sanity, that tells me I’m human. Mistakes are made.

I suppose writing this has helped some, but a fool’s choice is the choice of a fool. Until I understand the fallible nature of the mind, then I must live with its ability to produce anxiety when I say something that I wish I hadn’t.