I feel like I’m disappearing.
This thought came into my head when I was walking to my car three days ago. It came from a place where I was mulling the idea of what it would be like if no one acknowledged me; if no one said, “hello”; if no one said, “go away”; if no one even looked in my direction; no family, no friends, no strangers even; just faceless individuals who walked by without a word, without a touch, without a nudge.
I thought about this for a moment and then quickly wondered if this is how the homeless feel. Then I wondered if this might be the reason behind a type of psychosis, a kind of mania that accompanies life as a homeless person, trailing one like a shadow until it engulfs the mind in dark delusion.
We are beings with a need to communicate with each other; verbally, emotionally, and physically. This communication helps to create the self we know. But it also helps to stabilize us; without it, our humanity disappears. And for some, the absence of it during development is detrimental to becoming a human being at all. The case of the wild boy in Aveyron is an example of this.
In addition, this idea of disappearance isn’t only figurative, it may also be seen at a literal level. If no one were to notice you, if no one were to look at you or touch you, if no one were to even speak of you, wouldn’t you cease to be visible? Wouldn’t you be invisible?
In an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Out of Sight… Out of Mind”, a young and unpopular girl becomes invisible and uses this ability in very teen-angst-like ways.** The show is noteworthy because it poses the question: if you are unnoticed wouldn’t you be invisible? It’s a riddle that turns logical reasoning upside down, one similar to a buddhist koan.
It’s amusing when you think about how the appearance of a simple thought can help you think a little differently. It can move you to places you never considered before. Here I was with a thought about disappearing, and there I went into the existential.
I feel like I’m disappearing, but I hope my thoughts never do.
**You may watch this episode of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” in the window above.
Copyright © Tyler Gant 2009
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